I've stolen 'Notes and Queries' from the Guardian.

And they haven't even noticed yet.

Thick bastards.

Anyway, as i'm a nice sort of chap, here it is.

Glum Penguins?

Recently, whilst holidaying in Antarctica with my wife, I noticed that some of the penguins there looked really pissed off. Is there a reason for this?

Aaaron Fretwinkle, Portsmouth.

The condition is known as hankle and is more common than you think. It also affects geese, chickens and was the real cause of the demise of the dodo. First spotted in 1238 by the pioneer of ornithology, The Venerable Booze (A Cistern monk.), it has since caused controversy in china where a breakaway strain combines with the bird flu to create disgruntled chickens who actively go out and sneeze on people.

Adam Hart Davies, Cambridge.

Perhaps they just don't like you.

P. Bowker, Herts.

Penguins use their bodies in very different ways to communicate than do humans. For instance, if a human being is happy it will smile, if it is sad, it will cry and if it is hungry, it will pop down the shops. If a penguin is hungry, it has to dive into freezing water and catch a fish. Through the years this has made penguins very unhappy indeed, but is confusing because it conflicts with string theory, which would suggest that gravity is linked to the desire to copulate. I hope this clears things up.

Prof Stephen Hawkins, Cambridge.

Heavy Stuff.

What keeps us from floating off into the sky like birds?

Poppy Swithlthwaite, Cambridge, age 1, via email.

Penguins use their bodies in very different ways to stay on the ground than do humans. For instance, if a human being is happy it will smile, if it is sad, it will cry and if it is hungry, it will pop down the shops. If a penguin is hungry, it has to dive into freezing water and catch a fish. Through the years this has made penguins very unhappy indeed, but is confusing because it conflicts with string theory, which would suggest that gravity is linked to the desire to copulate. I hope this clears things up.

Prof Stephen Hawkins, Cambridge.

Nothing in our design is stopping us from floating off into the sky, yet the physical reality of life means that this is an impossiblilty. If the earth had no mass, then we would be able to float, but there would be no atmosphere, so birds would not be able to fly, and they wouldn't have evolved hollow bones and we probably wouldn't exist, and neither would birds. But how do we know that somewhere there isn't a planet that doesn't exist on exactly these terms? This is what is more commonly known as 'Crappes Law' and kept many university departments in business until the oiks started to get A-levels in physics.

Prof Crappe, Cambridge.

Don't you know that a Peadophile could reply to your query and then 'groom' you? You should be more careful young woman!

A. Hack, London.

I'm not sure, perhaps we should meet up and discuss it.

A. Hack, London, Age 4.

I'm bored now, so that's enough of that. Next week I'll be stealing the television section and the Perry Bible Fellowship on Friday, so watch this space.

How to ingest food through your anus.

You will need:

Some food

Some false teeth.






An Anus.










And a stress squeezer.







Bloggers who provide the correct method will win an all expenses paid trip to anywhere on the internet.

Yep.

So anyways, I was saying to Doreen that she really must do something about her telly when who should turn up? Only bloody Micheal Stipe, and he's carrying a bloody elephant up the stairs! Doreen was having none of it though, she told Micheal that if he didn't fuck right off and take his elephant with him there'd be hell to pay. Trouble was Michael's never been too good at hearing, and having no hair an all, he got really upset. He'd misheard her, see? He thought she'd told him to buy a Toupee. He fucked off though, and took his elephant, so Doreen was happy.

Dear Montmarcey,

I am writing to offer my sincerest gratitude on your piece 'How to make freinds and influence people.' Just last week I was sitting at home alone and thinking to myself 'I'm a freindly sparrow.' over and over again.

Imagine my surprise when a package fell through my door containing some onions, ten pints of beer, a plastic bag, these charming people (Pictured.), and the instructions below. My Aunt, in a fit of generosity, had posted me a social life for my birthday.

Being a modern sort of chap, I decided not to read the intructions and set about assembling my social life with the intuition afforded one by the ownership of a penis.

I started by placing the plastic bag on Jennifers head. All present agreed, as she slumped to the floor, that this was indeed an agreeable state of affairs, so I repeated the process with all of them. I then drank the beer, threw the onions and plastic bag away and went to the pub. On hearing of my exploits, I was afforded the most cordial reception and conversation by those gathered.

Once again, Montmarcey, thank you.

Yours,

(Name and address supplied.)

How to make freinds and influence people.

You will need:








Ten pints.












Some onions.











A plastic bag...

...and:









Some people.


How to use your ten pints, onions and plastic bag to influence and make freinds of your people.


Drink one of your ten pints.

Peel and chop the onions. I find it best to use a steak knife, as that is usually the only knife I can find. Do not throw away the skins, set onions to one side and skins to the other.

If you leave your people for too long, they will start to get restless and wander about your house. I have installed a giant tupperware box in my back garden, as this keeps them really fresh, but those of you on a budget may prefer to use horse tranquilisers or threats.

Drink another three pints, being careful not to spill and/or get gas.

Place your chopped onions (Without the skins) into a plastic bag and hang from kitchen cieling.

Steam up kitchen. (It's usually best to boil pots of water on the stove with the windows and doors shut. Alternatively, you could install a sauna.)

Reitire to the living room with the rest of your beer and the onion skins. Tread skins into the carpet and drink three more pints of your beer.

Have a snooze.

Drink the rest of your beer, eat the steamed onions and keep the plastic bag.

Invite the people into your living room. If you have used tranquilisers, this may take longer than you expect, so be patient.

Once they are all comfortable explain to them that they can leave at any time.

Throw up into plastic bag and stand next to door.

Your people are now freinds and influenced.

Next week: How to ingest food through your anus.

Crab apples.

I think they are anyway. Outside my window, on a tree.

If they really are crab apples, then that makes it a crab apple tree. The point is that they are falling off the branches every three minutes or so. They are falling onto an expensive car.

One of these days, one will fall off that isn't a crab apple after all, but a lead weight. It may even cause damage to the expensive car.

It won't have my fingerprints on it though.

No
Sirree
Bob.

Not good ole Montmarceys' fingerprints.

One rule for them...........

A senior BA official got awarded a £375,000 pay off when he was sacked for price fixing.

Does this give you the impression that BA were against the practice?

You can buy a lot of 'Whiskers' for that money. It makes me wonder though, maybe these people aren't really in control of their lives. They think they are, but maybe they're not. If you think about it, what do they do? It seems they're employed purely to make as much money as possible (Duh!). If they get caught out doing something illegal while they're doing it, they get a big fat pay off.

It's almost as if they are getting the money shoved forcively down their throats. Maybe they are the alien equivalent of 'Fois Gras'. My liver wouldn't make very good pate because I drink a lot and don't eat very healthily, but I bet Willy Walshes (CEO of BA) liver would be great. Imagine what Prince Charles liver would taste like! All of that fresh produce and healthy air. Actually, Harry and William would make for a more delicate taste, but for those who like a good robust flavour, the Queens would be the best.

I suppose it's all a matter of taste.

http://business.guardian.co.uk/story/0,,1891478,00.html

Microwave weapons

They've created a weapon that can fry protesters, or at least give protesters the impression that they are being fried. (See crudely added link below for more details.)

I say we should fight fire with fire. The system they have created costs $10 million. A snip for your average despot, but beyond the means of, well, us.

On the other hand, there are lots of us and I reakon most of us own microwaves. All we need to do is re-wire them so that they work with the door open, buy lots of lenses that will spread the rays, borrow some car batteries and surround the white house. (I'm not sure whether you can take a microwave on a plane these days or not.) Then all we have to do is wait.

The first time they actually use the device, our crudely created super microwave can then be activated and we can all laugh with glee as we melt the bush administration. A bit like the bit at the end of 'Indianna Jones and the lost Ark.'

Or we could appeal to the slightly better paid amongst our ranks and use fan ovens. That way we'll get a nice crisp Bush administration that will be the envy of all of our dinner guests.

http://technology.guardian.co.uk/weekly/story/0,,1887256,00.html

Posting while drunk.

Appologies, I will stop posting while drunk. It really does make me act like Terry Fuckwit. Now, let me get back to milking this cow.

That's not a cow you're milking Matt, and this isn't a shed. Now let go, and let me get on with this sermon.

Fuck me! I can be such a thick bastard sometimes. Sorry Vicar.

I can't help it. Maybe I'm obbsessed.

And fuck you too. I don't care that I'm spelling obbssessed wrong.

But anyway,

not that it matters,

but anyway.


right?

Three reasons why I'm much better than Tony Blair.

On his own terms.

Cause Tony Blair says he's northern, and he says he plays the guitar, and he thinks he's good at politics, but he'd never say it cause he wants us to think he's think.


Anyway he's a wanker. Right?

You know I'm right.

Anyway.



Tony....Blair.....Is....A.....Complete.........





wait for it................








wait for it..............








I hate to use an old phrase here, that everyone hears many times a day.


he is a war criminal.
he is a terrorist.
everything you have heard about him suggests this.
he should stand trial for what he has done.
like those he has imprisoned unlawfully.


Just the thoughts of a drunk.