Dear Montmarcey,

I am writing to offer my sincerest gratitude on your piece 'How to make freinds and influence people.' Just last week I was sitting at home alone and thinking to myself 'I'm a freindly sparrow.' over and over again.

Imagine my surprise when a package fell through my door containing some onions, ten pints of beer, a plastic bag, these charming people (Pictured.), and the instructions below. My Aunt, in a fit of generosity, had posted me a social life for my birthday.

Being a modern sort of chap, I decided not to read the intructions and set about assembling my social life with the intuition afforded one by the ownership of a penis.

I started by placing the plastic bag on Jennifers head. All present agreed, as she slumped to the floor, that this was indeed an agreeable state of affairs, so I repeated the process with all of them. I then drank the beer, threw the onions and plastic bag away and went to the pub. On hearing of my exploits, I was afforded the most cordial reception and conversation by those gathered.

Once again, Montmarcey, thank you.

Yours,

(Name and address supplied.)