Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I've stolen 'Notes and Queries' from the Guardian.

And they haven't even noticed yet.

Thick bastards.

Anyway, as i'm a nice sort of chap, here it is.

Glum Penguins?

Recently, whilst holidaying in Antarctica with my wife, I noticed that some of the penguins there looked really pissed off. Is there a reason for this?

Aaaron Fretwinkle, Portsmouth.

The condition is known as hankle and is more common than you think. It also affects geese, chickens and was the real cause of the demise of the dodo. First spotted in 1238 by the pioneer of ornithology, The Venerable Booze (A Cistern monk.), it has since caused controversy in china where a breakaway strain combines with the bird flu to create disgruntled chickens who actively go out and sneeze on people.

Adam Hart Davies, Cambridge.

Perhaps they just don't like you.

P. Bowker, Herts.

Penguins use their bodies in very different ways to communicate than do humans. For instance, if a human being is happy it will smile, if it is sad, it will cry and if it is hungry, it will pop down the shops. If a penguin is hungry, it has to dive into freezing water and catch a fish. Through the years this has made penguins very unhappy indeed, but is confusing because it conflicts with string theory, which would suggest that gravity is linked to the desire to copulate. I hope this clears things up.

Prof Stephen Hawkins, Cambridge.

Heavy Stuff.

What keeps us from floating off into the sky like birds?

Poppy Swithlthwaite, Cambridge, age 1, via email.

Penguins use their bodies in very different ways to stay on the ground than do humans. For instance, if a human being is happy it will smile, if it is sad, it will cry and if it is hungry, it will pop down the shops. If a penguin is hungry, it has to dive into freezing water and catch a fish. Through the years this has made penguins very unhappy indeed, but is confusing because it conflicts with string theory, which would suggest that gravity is linked to the desire to copulate. I hope this clears things up.

Prof Stephen Hawkins, Cambridge.

Nothing in our design is stopping us from floating off into the sky, yet the physical reality of life means that this is an impossiblilty. If the earth had no mass, then we would be able to float, but there would be no atmosphere, so birds would not be able to fly, and they wouldn't have evolved hollow bones and we probably wouldn't exist, and neither would birds. But how do we know that somewhere there isn't a planet that doesn't exist on exactly these terms? This is what is more commonly known as 'Crappes Law' and kept many university departments in business until the oiks started to get A-levels in physics.

Prof Crappe, Cambridge.

Don't you know that a Peadophile could reply to your query and then 'groom' you? You should be more careful young woman!

A. Hack, London.

I'm not sure, perhaps we should meet up and discuss it.

A. Hack, London, Age 4.

I'm bored now, so that's enough of that. Next week I'll be stealing the television section and the Perry Bible Fellowship on Friday, so watch this space.

1 Comments:

Blogger valueaddedman said...

V good my friend. I.E. I thought it was really funny. :)

3:14 AM  

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