How to make freinds and influence people.
You will need:
Ten pints.
Some onions.
A plastic bag...
...and:
Some people.
How to use your ten pints, onions and plastic bag to influence and make freinds of your people.
Drink one of your ten pints.
Peel and chop the onions. I find it best to use a steak knife, as that is usually the only knife I can find. Do not throw away the skins, set onions to one side and skins to the other.
If you leave your people for too long, they will start to get restless and wander about your house. I have installed a giant tupperware box in my back garden, as this keeps them really fresh, but those of you on a budget may prefer to use horse tranquilisers or threats.
Drink another three pints, being careful not to spill and/or get gas.
Place your chopped onions (Without the skins) into a plastic bag and hang from kitchen cieling.
Steam up kitchen. (It's usually best to boil pots of water on the stove with the windows and doors shut. Alternatively, you could install a sauna.)
Reitire to the living room with the rest of your beer and the onion skins. Tread skins into the carpet and drink three more pints of your beer.
Have a snooze.
Drink the rest of your beer, eat the steamed onions and keep the plastic bag.
Invite the people into your living room. If you have used tranquilisers, this may take longer than you expect, so be patient.
Once they are all comfortable explain to them that they can leave at any time.
Throw up into plastic bag and stand next to door.
Your people are now freinds and influenced.
Next week: How to ingest food through your anus.
Ten pints.
Some onions.
A plastic bag...
...and:
Some people.
How to use your ten pints, onions and plastic bag to influence and make freinds of your people.
Drink one of your ten pints.
Peel and chop the onions. I find it best to use a steak knife, as that is usually the only knife I can find. Do not throw away the skins, set onions to one side and skins to the other.
If you leave your people for too long, they will start to get restless and wander about your house. I have installed a giant tupperware box in my back garden, as this keeps them really fresh, but those of you on a budget may prefer to use horse tranquilisers or threats.
Drink another three pints, being careful not to spill and/or get gas.
Place your chopped onions (Without the skins) into a plastic bag and hang from kitchen cieling.
Steam up kitchen. (It's usually best to boil pots of water on the stove with the windows and doors shut. Alternatively, you could install a sauna.)
Reitire to the living room with the rest of your beer and the onion skins. Tread skins into the carpet and drink three more pints of your beer.
Have a snooze.
Drink the rest of your beer, eat the steamed onions and keep the plastic bag.
Invite the people into your living room. If you have used tranquilisers, this may take longer than you expect, so be patient.
Once they are all comfortable explain to them that they can leave at any time.
Throw up into plastic bag and stand next to door.
Your people are now freinds and influenced.
Next week: How to ingest food through your anus.
posted by Montmarcey Brown at 3:35 AM
5 Comments:
Is this based on a true story?
Don't invite any babies. No babies period. It's very dangerous inviting babies.
Yes, valueaddedman, it is based on a true story.
Don't worry renegade, I won't invite any babies. They're too young to appreciate the importance of making freinds and influencing people anyway.
that's 11 pints
I feel so ashamed.
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