Unacceptable socks.

At first glance, these socks would appear sensible. Do not be decieved. These socks have a particular fault in their DNA that makes them extremely dangerous.

'Socks don't have DNA!' we hear you shout.

That is where you, dear readers, are wrong. Like everything, socks have a basic genetic makeup that predetermines their fate as soon as they leave the production line. These particular socks contain the gene MS132, which makes them prone to causing blisters, callouses and illegal asylum seekers. On no account buy these socks. We first became aware of their fault when we were in the Chelsea area of London walking our dog.

Fisrt we developed a limp, then we noticed the inner arch of our right foot rubbing up against the inner soles of our shoes. Before we knew it we had encountered a person that can only be described as 'foreign' driving past in a car that can only be described as 'better than ours'. The silent majority will not remain silent over this issue!

We decided to investigate.

Our investigations led us to one 'Everything £1' shop in Hounslow. It became clear, on questioning the shop assistant, that the socks had been bought by a close, but impoverished, relative of ours for our birthday.

They are 92% polyester, 1% cotton and 7% haloumi. These are foreign socks and should not be trusted.

If you have seen these socks please phone our helpline 08705 900 200 and ask for Tony.