Farting Down the Phone Through the Ages, Chapter 1

Farting down the telephone is a subject that has enjendered little or no debate in the heady corridors of academia. I find this surprising to say the least as the art of farting, or 'flatuphonics', requires aptitude in many areas.

By giving you this short history of teleflatuphonics it is my aim to encourage a debate on the social context and, indeed, relevence of a little documented phenominum. Your statutory rights will not be affected.

The first incidence of teleflatuphonescence is as old as the telephone itself, which is extremely old. At the time Alexander Graham Bell tried to write it off as a mere accident, but a study of his original transcripts of the first telephone call reveals the sinister truth.

Alexander Graham Bell (AGB): Hello old bean, can you here me? (They couldn't spell in those days. M.B.)
Other Bloke (OB): Yes squire, and may I be so bold as to say it really is an improvement on the old tin cans and string. This really puts my connection from New York to Toronto using 3 inch steel cable and giant Baxters Soup cans to shame, it appears the whole project is doomed. Thanks a lot you wanker.
AGB: Yes, the line is really rather clear. So anyways, I says to him.....
OB: Hang on, hang on, there's something vital that I have forgotten.
AGB: What's that old bean?
OB: Wait, wait, I'll tell you in a second.
AGB: Oh please do hurry up, these inter room calls don't come cheap.
OB: Frrrrp.
AGB: Oh dear, there appears to be a problem with static, did you hear that?
OB: Bollocks, I think I've followed through. Crikey O'Reilly, there was a sprout on the end of that one! ...... etc.

In the next chapter we will be looking at the use of teleflatuphonics in international diplomacy and studying case notes of people who have suffered the results of unprotected teleflatuphonica.

Meanwhile, I wander if readers have experienced teleflatuphonics whilst using mobile phones, or even flatuphonictronics (The act of farting through an email.). Please comment.