EXCLUSIVE: The band that's rocking has released their Bio.
We like to make music. We get together, and we make music. If we get famous, Adam can go out with Patsy Kensitt, but he doesn't want to take too many drugs, and he doesn't like being in the tabliods, so Matty will take all of the drugs and get in the tabloids. Marie would like it to be noted that she has been abducted and if anyone could pop round and save her, it would be much appreciated. Graham and Clarence are notable as the only OAPs in the band, but with their youthful looks and winning smiles...... Graham and Clarence are notable as the only OAPs in the band. Clarence would like it to be noted that he has more hair than Graham. He doesn't though. That's why he wears hats all the time. Infact he cuts quite a dash. Graham just dashes about on his bike. Have you ever read 'Fast Frog'? He's a bit like that.
Adam Sheehan.... A life. Adam was born in Ohio, Stoke Newington. That's about as glamorous as it gets. His first words were 'The emancipation of the working class.... um, actually I'd better learn how to read.' The first book he read was 'Fast Frog' which confused him slightly.
Marie Kamara.... A life. Marie wasn't born, she just appeared, fully formed and indomitable. Her favourite colour is DP412, a shade just off DP413. Her first words were 'Fuck me! ...... I exist!' She then went on to write the first book she ever read called 'How to Just Appear.' She found it very informative, if not a little late.
Graham Hodgin.... A life. Graham was born amidst the rough and tumble of the French Revolution to a peasant couple who were a bit thick. They didn't quite realise what the point of the revolution was and swapped him for a noblemans baby to ensure him a safe future. Luckily Grahams first words, with his head betwee the steel and wood of a Guilotene, were 'Tete a tete Rodney, Un petit pois.' and he was saved and swiftly transported to Nelson Mandela Towers in London, where he spent the next few centuries or so waiting for it to be built so he could move in.
Clarence Jackman..... A life. Clarence was invented by the ruling class to keep revolutionaries from doing work. He sniffs out activists, then visits them while they are most busy, sits in the kitchen demanding cups of coffee, smoking rolled cigarettes and trying to fart. This takes some effort as he didn't accidentally cause a rift in the space time continuum within his bowels whilst searching out cheapy thrills aged twelve. The rift isn't a direct link from our reality to an alternate one that is completely composed of methane. BP haven't paid him £2.36 to keep quiet on the subject. He didn't buy a packet of Amber Leaf and was happy.
Matty Grabham..... A life. Matty was born, aged 12, to a very relieved woman, just in time to catch the 207 to Sheperds Bush. His mother missed the bus as her legs had grown so strong during the 13 year pregnancy, that when she jumped for joy she landed on the top of Acton Library. He has never seen her since, nor would he want to. Aged five he once heard her remark 'If that little bastard doesn't get his act together and be born, I'll give him such a kicking.....'
Adam Sheehan.... A life. Adam was born in Ohio, Stoke Newington. That's about as glamorous as it gets. His first words were 'The emancipation of the working class.... um, actually I'd better learn how to read.' The first book he read was 'Fast Frog' which confused him slightly.
Marie Kamara.... A life. Marie wasn't born, she just appeared, fully formed and indomitable. Her favourite colour is DP412, a shade just off DP413. Her first words were 'Fuck me! ...... I exist!' She then went on to write the first book she ever read called 'How to Just Appear.' She found it very informative, if not a little late.
Graham Hodgin.... A life. Graham was born amidst the rough and tumble of the French Revolution to a peasant couple who were a bit thick. They didn't quite realise what the point of the revolution was and swapped him for a noblemans baby to ensure him a safe future. Luckily Grahams first words, with his head betwee the steel and wood of a Guilotene, were 'Tete a tete Rodney, Un petit pois.' and he was saved and swiftly transported to Nelson Mandela Towers in London, where he spent the next few centuries or so waiting for it to be built so he could move in.
Clarence Jackman..... A life. Clarence was invented by the ruling class to keep revolutionaries from doing work. He sniffs out activists, then visits them while they are most busy, sits in the kitchen demanding cups of coffee, smoking rolled cigarettes and trying to fart. This takes some effort as he didn't accidentally cause a rift in the space time continuum within his bowels whilst searching out cheapy thrills aged twelve. The rift isn't a direct link from our reality to an alternate one that is completely composed of methane. BP haven't paid him £2.36 to keep quiet on the subject. He didn't buy a packet of Amber Leaf and was happy.
Matty Grabham..... A life. Matty was born, aged 12, to a very relieved woman, just in time to catch the 207 to Sheperds Bush. His mother missed the bus as her legs had grown so strong during the 13 year pregnancy, that when she jumped for joy she landed on the top of Acton Library. He has never seen her since, nor would he want to. Aged five he once heard her remark 'If that little bastard doesn't get his act together and be born, I'll give him such a kicking.....'
posted by Montmarcey Brown at 5:16 AM
5 Comments:
I can confirm the circumstances of Matt's birth. I was passing at the time, a newly qualified midwife, innocent and happy, looking forward to a day off. Witnessing the unhygenic street birth, I grabbed the child and swabbed him down with alcohol. To my shock and disgust, the infant grabbed the bottle and drained it in one swallow, farted, hiccuped and asked me for a shag. No seabirds were in sight. In my opinion, the longer his mother stays on top of Acton library the better off she will be. No one claimed the infant, who was eventually brought up by patriotic pigeons.
It is all lies he isn't mine I never and I am staying up here reading Marx and Chomsky till I can give him a good telling off in language he understands.
We'll have no talk of sea birds here thankyou very much! Think of the children! As if you really are the most graciouse and handsome Matts' mum, you will know the answer to this simple question....
.....hang on, I'll ask it in a little bit.
Yes you did leave all your washing. I picked it up with tongs, placed it in a convenient bin bag (did you know you left 2564 bin bags?) and incinerated it. There is a toxic cloud over Gateshead. Buy some new socks before you go on the pull.
Fuck Off!
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