Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Buttnuggets, Fartleberries and Dangleberries. (Guest Editor: Adam Hart Davies.)

Q: What do they all have in common?
A: They are the same thing.

Much research has been done into what causes buttnuggets. Modern consensus seems to suggest they are caused by a combination of the use of fine polmers in undergarment manufacture and low grade toilet roll. However, any perusal of a decent historical dictionary will show that buttnuggets are far from being simply a modern phenominum. The old English word 'Dangleberry' means simply 'Them little piecef of fhite that dangle from yer arfe.'*

Of course, in olden times dangleberries constituted a real health hazard. The pinnacle of anal hygene was the use of a dead swans neck to whipe. This, however, was limited to a group of Cistern monks who lived off the coast of scotland, so had nothing better to do with their time. Nobody else could afford to use a swans neck, dead or alive, so they had to make do with moss, or a handfull of leaves. The drawback being that if you accidentally picked up a thorn, sharp twig or discarded syringe in your moss/leaves, the result would be a not too swift, but just swift enough to make you feel it, death. Dangleberries didn't help matters at all as they itched causing the victim to rub great big fingernails full of shit into the wound. Ouch!

Clearly, something had to be done.

Now, the answer for the romans in Britain was something not dissimilar to the modern Bidet called the Gardena Sprinklus, I'm here in historic Bath town centre with Professor Marks from Bath University to try one out.

AHD: So you've rigged up this modern recreation of a roman Gardena Sprinklus using materials from the local B & Q and you want me to sit on it, is that correct?

Prof M: Yes Adam, but due to roman aquaduct technology, the mains pressure of water in those days was much higher. Luckily I've been able to borrow this water cannon from the local riot police, which from my calculations is set at exaclty the pressure that your average roman would have enjoyed.

AHD: OK, here goes! .....

..... WOW!

Clearly the roman Gardena Sprinklus had its drawbacks. However, on the up side it gave me a wonderful view of Bath and look, no buttnuggets!


Anonymous FootnoteHooligan said...

Thanks, Adam. Laughed out loud.

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