How to be purple.

Being purple is something that I can achieve extremely easily. Being purple and all. For humans the process is much harder.

There are three main approaches...

Paint.

Meditation.

Anal Warts.

Paint and meditation are boring, so I would recomend the anal warts.

How to get anal warts that will turn you a lovely shade of purple.

Anal warts were invented by the Venerable Booze (A cistern monk... see past posts.) in 1452. He was trying to come up with a solution to cure penile warts at the time. His crude method involved cutting off the penis and sitting on it for two days. Although he found many cases of unfortunate men with penile warts (And even the odd woman!), it was rare that he found a man with the time to sit on his own dismembered penis for two whole days. 15th century Northumberland was a boom county and many people were just too busy rioting, rubbing leather with shit and being hung to afford the time. (The Venerable Booze was hung in a rather expert fashion himself in 1467. This explains the myths surrounding the size of his penis. On seeing the fantastic job the executioner had done, the Bishop of Canterbury was heard to say 'That Venerable Booze if the moft well hung monk I have ever laid my eyef upon!' Historians will never know the true size of Boozes' penis as he cut it off and sat on it for two days, before discarding it in 1452.)

His solution was to sit on the dismembered penises of others himself. With this devilishly simple plan, Booze was able to completely eradicate penile warts in pre enlightenment Northumberland. Unfortunately, there was a side effect. Anal warts.

During this time Booze was a bit short of cash, so he got himself a part time job in a funny smelling factory in Prudhoe. (If you get off at the station and walk up the hill into the town you can still smell the funny smell. It's a bit like pear drops.) This factory manufactured condoms for the Jurassic age, and Booze found that he could produce a cheap and high quality condom by using the skins of the dismembered penises. He revolutionised the condom making world, but also caused the demise of the dinosaurs. Dinosaurs have a strange reaction to the penile wart virus, it causes them to dig one ginormous crater, then die. On hearing that he had whiped out the dinosaurs, thus ushering in a chance for the human race to evolve, Booze was so delighted that he turned purple. He still had the anal warts though.

Next week: How to be a bracelet.