A lovely guitar.

This is my guitar. I use it to play songs like 'My Lovely Horse.' by father Ted Crilley and Dougal Maguire and also as a means to impress woman who come to my flat. No women ever come to my flat, but if they ever did, they would be mightily impressed by my guitar. One day I will hang it out of the window to try and entice some women into my flat.

It's a great guitar.

Everyone should have a guitar. They serve many purposes. When I hang my clothes up to dry, if the clothes horse and radiator are full, I hang my boxers on my guitar. If my neighbour is having a quiet day and looking all together too smug about it, I play 'Here Comes the Sun' by the beatles very loudly and very slowly. (Violins are also good for this sort of thing, I find a nicely out of tune burst of Fiocco every 40 minutes or so works wanders.) Another use for a guitar is as a tray for drinks on unsteady surfaces like a bed.

I wander if readers have any other uses for guitars, or musical intruments of any kind. Please feel free to add your comments.

Amusing things to say to bouncers.

I was in The Red Back Tavern in Acton last night and occasioned upon a bouncer guarding some steps from potential drug dealers. Every time someone stood on the steps he'd chase them off, like an ogre guarding his bridge. After my second Newcastle Brown I found myself on the steps. Instead of politely requesting me to move he shouted 'Get the fuck off the steps!'

Well! How rude?

I decided he didn't look much like a bouncer, so I said 'Who the fuck are you?' to which he replied 'I'm a bouncer, get off the fucking steps!'. Now, I'm a quick witted fellow with a tongue sharp enough to open cans, but I surprised myself with a quite uncustomary eloquence when I informed him 'You look more like a fat bastard to me.'

Upon being forcibly removed from the establishment it occured to me that readers may well have other stories of amusing things they have said to bouncers. Please comment.