Monday, August 28, 2006


Testosterone is supposed to be the thing that puts hairs on a mans chest, and stops him from knitting. This is because the hairs get tangled up with the wool. Since the invention of the jumper, which roughly conincided with the invention of knitting, this should not have been a problem. However, testosterone is also the stuff what makes a man a man.

How to be manly.

In this day and age, the best way to be manly is to not shave for a couple of days, take off your jumper and get photographed in black and white holding either a kitten or a baby. This is a development from the days when being manly meant posing with a tiger or crocodile, and I think it sets back manliness by years. It's very easy to look manly when compared with a baby or a kitten, not so easy when wrestling a crocodile. Infact, when wrestling a crocodile, it's easy to look very un manly indeed.

How to wrestle a crocodile.

Presentation is everything. Before embarking upon any crocodile wrestle, it is important that you go down the gym for a few years first. This will prepare your chest and bicepts for the engine oil, which you must smear in streaks. Another important thing to remember is your hair. It must either be extremely short, or messy. A neat mop-top, or quiff just simply won't do. Shorts are a no-no, you must wear jeans or, better, overalls folded at the waist. Footwear is not important as real men don't worry about their shoes. All you need now is someone to take the photograph. Victory is only necessary if you feel the photographer didn't get your best side, otherwise dying like a hero is completely acceptable.

How to die like a man.

The best way to die like a man is to save somebody who is more important than you. These include: High ranking officials, Women, Children, Royalty, People with a detailed knowledge of the geography of volcanoes and Dogs. Nothing is more manly than dying to save a dog. In circumstances where you need to die like a man it's best to keep your goodbyes short, otherwise people get bored. Something like 'My Lord, tis an honour.' will usually do. The last thing you want is for the people who are more important than you to feel in any way indebted to you. If you can combine dying like a man to save someone more important than you with crocodile wrestling, then you can safely assume that any poor displays of crocodile wrestling will be overlooked. As long as you don't wimper.


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