Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Hecklescakes Collective.

This site is currently being squatted as the New Hecklescakes Domination Committee has gone to develope another site for resale. Any attempt at evicting us from this site will be met with the full force of the law. Do not attempt to evict us, or we will call the pigs. We are the Hecklescakes collective.

Anarchists together can fight for a better world, as long as we don't have any form of hierachy whatsoever. Rupert would like to state that this is very important. He's great, he's got smelly hair, lots of money and is definately the most popular. If there were a hierarchy, rupert would be in charge, but as he isn't in charge, we feel we have the moral high ground.

In the interests of protecting the squatters movement from evil hierarchical structures, we are starting a weekly newspaper called 'Remember Kronstadt!'. Ruperts dad is going to fund it so that we don't have to sell it like those authoritarian SWP bastards.

They say they're working class but they're not. Rupert has a job. He works for his dad in a radical software marketing collective. He represents the real working class, not like those SWP bastards who do things like work on the fascist London Underground, who charge people for their tickets and only help to undermine the arguments for localised collectives.

Now fuck off, or we'll antagonise all of your vapid idiotic ideas right out of you in one fell swoop.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Unacceptable socks.

At first glance, these socks would appear sensible. Do not be decieved. These socks have a particular fault in their DNA that makes them extremely dangerous.

'Socks don't have DNA!' we hear you shout.

That is where you, dear readers, are wrong. Like everything, socks have a basic genetic makeup that predetermines their fate as soon as they leave the production line. These particular socks contain the gene MS132, which makes them prone to causing blisters, callouses and illegal asylum seekers. On no account buy these socks. We first became aware of their fault when we were in the Chelsea area of London walking our dog.

Fisrt we developed a limp, then we noticed the inner arch of our right foot rubbing up against the inner soles of our shoes. Before we knew it we had encountered a person that can only be described as 'foreign' driving past in a car that can only be described as 'better than ours'. The silent majority will not remain silent over this issue!

We decided to investigate.

Our investigations led us to one 'Everything £1' shop in Hounslow. It became clear, on questioning the shop assistant, that the socks had been bought by a close, but impoverished, relative of ours for our birthday.

They are 92% polyester, 1% cotton and 7% haloumi. These are foreign socks and should not be trusted.

If you have seen these socks please phone our helpline 08705 900 200 and ask for Tony.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Scarey Things

We would like to inform readers that they should be more scared. Scarey things are happening all the time. People don't talk to each other on the tube for a reason. They are scared. You should be more scared otherwise somebody may do something nasty to you. In order for people to adjust to being more scared, we would like readers to share stories of nasty things that have been done to them by strangers.

If you haven't yet sewn your buttocks together, you'd better get on with it before things get any more scarey.

NHDC 'Putting buttocks first.'

Campaign against violence.

The New Hecklescakes Domination Committee (NHDC) has voted unanimousely to start a campaign against people who could have violent tendancies. Signs of potential violent tendencies are as follows:

  • Adherance to a religion that isn't christian.
  • Looking at people in a manner that suggests there may be violence to follow.
  • Growing a beard.
  • Being between the ages of 11 and 25.

Anybody who exhibits one or more of the above symptoms will be extensively soothed before they have a chance to start any violence. Extensive soothing will take place at our new Community Support Centre in Belmarsh.

In order to aid us in this campaign we are asking readers to sew their buttocks together. Buttock sewing kits can be purchased at our local stores.

NHDC 'Bringing your buttocks together for our community.'

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Note to user.

We haven't yet worked out how to change the username of this blog, but from now in it will be reffered to as 'The New' Hecklescakes 'domination committe'

Stop! This blog is getting too silly.

There has been a coup, the editor has been changed, and now this blog will only contain sensible things like currant affairs, buns and warm socks. Any frivolous posting will not be tolerated and perpetrators of stupid acts will be locked up for good.

The editor of this blog has been taken to a small island for safe keeping and future blogs will be decided by a committee of people chosen for their financial abilities.

Thank you for your time.

Some thoughts on pillows, 17.05.06, 09:12am.

I had the good fortune to pass out onto a bed with extremely compfortable pillows early one morning. As my mind closed down its functioning capacities and wandered around the periferal extremities of my experience, a memory came to me in a very strange manner. It was not a memory that I remember, but felt as if it was from pillows. Not just the pillow I was resting my head on, but from all pillows everywhere. It was the experience of mind meeting pillow meeting minds meeting pillows everywhere and it went something like this:

Compfortable log with moss
But flint was fashioned young man
And hides were born
And big feathered things was plucked
And hay did grow
The fashioned forms around heads

Into.......... us.

And there we were, me and that pillow. Like a dog in a quarry.
But it was not a question of that one pillow, or all of the pillows we search for at our lathes and drawing boards. Reaching out around the corner of the landscape was an answer, and the answer was connected by pillows.

I wander if any readers have had similar experiences with pillows. Please comment.

Friday, May 05, 2006

George Galloway

This is George Galloway. He says things like 'And here you've made what can only be described as school boy errors.' to the American Senate. He lives in Bethnal Green where he works as an MP for a political party called 'Respect.'

When he's working as an MP for Respect he says things like 'May the 4th be with you.' and tries to get people to vote for Respect MPs in local council elections.

I like George Galloway because he annoys people like Tony Blair. Tony Blair says things like 'Well, of course we know now that there were no weapons of mass destruction.' and lives in a council house on Downing Street. Tony Blair is the Prime Minister. His best friend is John Prescott who touches women until they have sex with him. John Prescott likes cheapy thrills because he is old and his willy may drop off soon.

They are both members of the 'Labour' party, but they don't like the Labour party because it doesn't sell enough, so they call it 'New' Labour. New Labour has a secret ingredient that helps to kill foreign people. They want to call it 'New improved Labour, now with electro glide function for those hard to reach foreigners.' but they can't fit it all on the new packet.

Tony Blair and John Prescott have lots of freinds around the country who don't really like them. They are called 'Labour Councillors.' Labour Councillors say things like 'Vote for us or we'll cut your benefits off.' and 'We don't like Blair either.' to people who don't like Blair and 'Yes, that bloody Saddam had it coming and as for all of those terrorists....' to people who do like Blair.

I don't like Labour Councillors because they annoy people and then blame it on foreigners. I like foreigners because they give me things like strong Polish beer, haloumi, curry and kebabs. They do things like fix the pavements and make us better when we get ill.

I wander if any readers have had something nice done to them by a foreigner recently. Please comment.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Farting Down the Phone Through the Ages, Chapter 1

Farting down the telephone is a subject that has enjendered little or no debate in the heady corridors of academia. I find this surprising to say the least as the art of farting, or 'flatuphonics', requires aptitude in many areas.

By giving you this short history of teleflatuphonics it is my aim to encourage a debate on the social context and, indeed, relevence of a little documented phenominum. Your statutory rights will not be affected.

The first incidence of teleflatuphonescence is as old as the telephone itself, which is extremely old. At the time Alexander Graham Bell tried to write it off as a mere accident, but a study of his original transcripts of the first telephone call reveals the sinister truth.

Alexander Graham Bell (AGB): Hello old bean, can you here me? (They couldn't spell in those days. M.B.)
Other Bloke (OB): Yes squire, and may I be so bold as to say it really is an improvement on the old tin cans and string. This really puts my connection from New York to Toronto using 3 inch steel cable and giant Baxters Soup cans to shame, it appears the whole project is doomed. Thanks a lot you wanker.
AGB: Yes, the line is really rather clear. So anyways, I says to him.....
OB: Hang on, hang on, there's something vital that I have forgotten.
AGB: What's that old bean?
OB: Wait, wait, I'll tell you in a second.
AGB: Oh please do hurry up, these inter room calls don't come cheap.
OB: Frrrrp.
AGB: Oh dear, there appears to be a problem with static, did you hear that?
OB: Bollocks, I think I've followed through. Crikey O'Reilly, there was a sprout on the end of that one! ...... etc.

In the next chapter we will be looking at the use of teleflatuphonics in international diplomacy and studying case notes of people who have suffered the results of unprotected teleflatuphonica.

Meanwhile, I wander if readers have experienced teleflatuphonics whilst using mobile phones, or even flatuphonictronics (The act of farting through an email.). Please comment.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Rules of Hecklescakes.

Readers of Hecklescakes must abide by the following rules:

1./ No spitting, running, petting (Light or heavy.), bombing or animals whilst viewing Hecklescakes.

2./ Minors must be accompanied by an adult.

3./ Anybody using scissors must ask permission first off their mother.

4./ If you read this blog after 11pm, you must immediately go and find the most expensive car in your area and snap off one wing mirror. If the wing mirrors prove difficult, two tyres deflated completely is a sufficient substitute.

5./ Please feel free to hum whilst reading, but not too loudly. We don't want people to get wind of what we're up to.

6./ Gola form imbibe enchilada asparagus.

7./ Hand grenades can be purchased at the back of the lobby from one of our lovely assistants.

Perhaps readers have other rules that they feel appropriate. Please comment.